ARS Report OCT 2013

7/27/2019 ARS Report OCT 2013

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You are getting on my last

nerve

Lets face it. maintaining a healthy relationship isnot an easy task. It takes work and commitment by

both parties in

order for therelationship to

last. The key to

everyrelationship iseffective

communication.

She is always

in my face and

on my case!(continued pg. 2)


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TheA.R.S.Report October2013

Examples of You statements:

Judging/Labeling:

You are such a jerk

and a waste of my

time!

Accusing: You could

care less about me!

Blaming: You were the reason that we went

bankrupt!

Ordering: You shut up and leave me alone!

Questioning: Are you

always this

annoying

Arguing: You

always put your

two cents where it

doesnt belong.

Sarcasm: You are

such a genius.

Disapproval: You are such a fool.

Threatening: If you do that again, you will

never

Moralizing: You

shouldbecause it is

better that way.

Indulging:

You need to

.andso

that

Analyzing: It just bothers you that I am

successful!

When looking at how to improve a relationship,

the best place to start is to look at the

communication style of the parties involved. Every

individual wants to be heard and feel validated by

the other party. This desire often comes with the

individual expressing feelings and opinions about

their perception of the problem. They often do not

take responsibility for those emotions or opinions

that are shared. The personal feelings and opinions

are presented as

facts that should

be accepted by

the other party.

This causes

conflict and is a

hindrance in

promoting

effective

communication.

The best way toimprove communication is to take ownership of

personal feelings. The individual should effectively

communicate their emotions in an effort to avoid an

argument. The only way that this can be achieved is

if the other party is actually hearing what is being

expressed during the conversation. The key to this

method is to make statements that cause the

individual to listen to what is being said, hear the

points that are being made, and be responsive to the

concerns that are being shared.

I-statements are useful means of communication

that helps individuals to express their emotions in anon-combative fashion. Individuals should use these

statements in an effort to avoid the pitfall of blaming

others for emotional responses to circumstances and

behaviors. The statement can be used to express

emotions or an issue in a more accurate and peaceful

way. The individual who is making the statementdecreases the risk of the other party feeling

resentful, angry, or guilty. The other party will be in

a better position to focus his/her attention on the

issue, instead of feeling defensive over the issue.

People often wonder why they have problems in their relationships. They often attempt to justify

the problems or issues as being the result of the other persons failures. If he would just listen to me,

than everything would be just fineor She is never satisfied with anything that I do, so Im not even

gonna try anymore.These two statements are examples of several ways that individuals

communicate their frustrations about their relationships. Individuals frequently communicate

through commands, threats, principles, judgment, challenges, mind reading, or other such behaviors

that can cause the other party to become defensive. This type of communication often begins with the

pronounyou during arguments with one another. The use of this pronoun to communicate a

problem places the individual in the position of blaming the other party for the issues he or she has

instead of taking responsibility for their emotions. It also presents an argumentas being factual

when it is only an opinion and an over-generalization.


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The Anatomy of an I-Statement

The I-Statement is composed of three parts that will effectively communicate the emotion of the

other individual.

The first part involves the expression of emotion.

It is a self-disclosure that begins with, I feel and

is followed by a particular emotion. The use of the

word like after I feel does not communicate the

specific emotion that the individual is

experiencing. Statements such as, I feel like and

I feel like you are not good examples of how to

use an I-Statement. The use of It to preface an

expression of emotion is also unacceptable. It

makes me feel is placing the blame on it for the

emotion that is being experienced. It is important

to take personal responsibility for the emotion

since it is the individual and not anyone else who is

bringing attention to that emotional experience.

This is best accomplished through words that

describe the individuals emotions and that have no

direct implications towards the listener.

The second part of the I-Statement involves a

description of behavior that is the cause of the

emotion. The individual must describe the specific

observable behavior or conditions as it relates to

the expressed emotion. It is important to state the facts without adding any opinions, assumptions,

criticisms, commands or any other behaviors that can cause the other party to feel defensive. This

part generally is expressed by stating, When you(behavioral description). Describe only the facts

of what is being seen, heard, or sensed with specific observable characteristics.

The final part provides the other party with an explanation of why the behavior or conditions

causes the described emotion. It is important to keep in mind that the reason for the emotion could

be for various reasons. The emotion could be the result of how the intent or meaning behind the

behavior was interpreted. The listener is provided with insight into what interpretations, wants,

needs, memories, or anticipations support the emotions experienced by the individual. The other

party learns of the effect or consequences of the behavior. The provision of an explanation in the

statement is prompted by because in order to express why the individual is experiencing the

emotions.


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I feel worried and upset when I do not receive a phone call from you to let me know that you are going to be late.

I want you to call me so that I know where you are because I want to know that you are safe and that you are

not trying to disregard my feelings.

When I saw the big coffee stain on the rug, I felt angry because I did not know who spilled the coffee and the

reason why there was no attempt to clean it.

When you work during the evenings and weekends, I am feeling really sad because I want you to spend more

time with me.

It is important to know that effective communication does not necessarily guarantee that the individual(s) or

problematic conditions will change. I-statements are essential tools for expressing emotions, avoiding

arguments, and reducing misunderstandings. It allows for a calm discussion about the issue or behavior that can

prompt better cooperation from other individuals. The speaker can communicate his/her emotions and make

suggestions that will allow for the listener to understand what the speaker would like to happen if the same

behavior were to occur again. It can also provide a warning to the listener of a specific consequence for the

continuation of the specified behavior. The following statement is an example:

I feel upset when I do not receive a phone call from you to let me know that you are going to be late

because I expect to know where you are after school. If the behavior continues, I feel that I am goingto have to take away your privileges because you are not complying with my request to follow the

rules."

This example provides the child with an understanding of how the parent is feeling, the reason for the

emotion, the behavior that is a problem, the warning, and the consequence for the continuation of the

undesirable behavior.

So, if your goal is to have a healthy relationship, whether it is with a romantic or business relationship or

parental relationship, it is important to make a statement that relays the true nature of the intended message.

This is the key to effective communication that will help to build strong bonds.

To learn how you can enhance your relationships and build unity in your family, contact us to learn about our

webinars or personal consultation services.

Documents

ARS Report OCT 2013